Dating and the Single Parent

My daughter, Sydney, had a   tremendous emotional attachment to the man that broke my heart.  Sydney’s feelings were ambivalent or even contradictory.  Sydney’s hero was a potential savior and a threat, a provider of love and a rival for it.

 

I am not surprised by how Sydney acted during the first time we split up.    The break-up brought up emotions once embedded from the trauma from an earlier break-up.   My preschooler loved the man I was dating and sometimes it would hurt me to tell her that he’s gone on an extended vacation.

 

When the relationship ends, these young children often blame themselves and wonder what they did or what it was about them that caused the breakup. They sometimes conclude that their behavior or even the way they look makes them unlovable.

 

“To the child, this adult may have represented hope, a replacement for the loss triggered by the parent’s death or divorce,” said Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, the director of the Children of Divorce Intervention Program at the University of Rochester. “Children who go through this several times are likely to have a more intense sense of loss.”

 

Young children also identify very strongly with the parent’s emotions. When they see their parent in pain, they worry that they will lose that parent’s love.  Sydney’s assurances to me that the man wasn’t right “for us” and that “you have me” reflect this intense identification and fear of loss.

Adolescents, whose lives no longer revolve solely around what happens at home, may handle the breakup more easily. “The older the children, the more resources and the more of an outside life they have,” said Dr. Neil M. Kalter, the director of the Center for the Child and the Family at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor.

 

Dr. Kalther is also the author of “Growing Up With Divorce” He has found that these other involvements help them handle the stress better than younger children.

Still, some older adolescents may become extremely upset over the breakup because they are protective of their parent. This is especially likely if they are living with a parent, usually a mother, whom they think of as vulnerable and dependent on them.   These adolescents may have seen the other adult as someone who could take care of their parent, so that they could leave home to attend school or otherwise go off on their own. If the parent’s relationship ends, they feel an obligation to stay home and care for their parent.

 

There also appear to be differences in how boys and girls handle these breakups, and in how they influence future relationships.  It seems from the books I have been reading that the girls who lose their fathers early in their lives and whose fathers don’t remain involved with them may, throughout their adolescence and adulthood, view men as unreliable and untrusting.

 

Psychologists caution that although many children have strong emotional reactions when a parent ends a dating relationship, those who take it in stride don’t necessarily have hidden problems.

Some children don’t seem to be bothered by it.   If they’re doing well in other areas like school and friendships, that’s a sign that they’re probably just very emotionally resilient.”

 

WHEN DATING, GO EASY ON INVOLVING CHILDREN

1.       ONE of the simplest ways to prevent your children from becoming upset if you end a dating relationship is to have waited a while before getting those children involved. That stops them from becoming emotionally invested in an adult who, from their perspective, abandons them.

2.      Once your dating relationship is more serious and your child becomes a part of it, don’t try to do everything together as if you were a family.

3.      Spend time alone with your child while you’re dating. That provides more continuity, no matter what happens to your relationship with the other adult.  Remember it your job to protect your children and their needs.

If you do break up with the other person, here are some things to bear in mind that will help your children:

1.       Remember that your child’s fundamental needs are to feel loved and protected.   In times of crisis, a child may not be able to express those needs directly. Reassure her that you won’t be abandoning her, even though your relationship with this other person didn’t work out.

2.      Children can weather these losses when their parents give them a sense that they’ll still be cared for and loved,” said Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, the director of the Children of Divorce Intervention Program at the University of Rochester.

3.      Try not to terminate your child’s relationship with the other adult abruptly — this increases his feeling of abandonment.   It’s enormously helpful if both the parent and the person who’s leaving explain to the children that it’s not their fault.  If both adults do this, the children are less likely to feel that they are being lied to.

4.      If possible, have the other adult maintain some sort of relationship with the child that can be weaned instead of abruptly broken.  They can even do this by placing a few phone calls to the children.