Dating and the Single Parent September 6, 2008

My daughter, Sydney, had a   tremendous emotional attachment to the man that broke my heart.  Sydney’s feelings were ambivalent or even contradictory.  Sydney’s hero was a potential savior and a threat, a provider of love and a rival for it.

 

I am not surprised by how Sydney acted during the first time we split up.    The break-up brought up emotions once embedded from the trauma from an earlier break-up.   My preschooler loved the man I was dating and sometimes it would hurt me to tell her that he’s gone on an extended vacation.

 

When the relationship ends, these young children often blame themselves and wonder what they did or what it was about them that caused the breakup. They sometimes conclude that their behavior or even the way they look makes them unlovable.

 

“To the child, this adult may have represented hope, a replacement for the loss triggered by the parent’s death or divorce,” said Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, the director of the Children of Divorce Intervention Program at the University of Rochester. “Children who go through this several times are likely to have a more intense sense of loss.”

 

Young children also identify very strongly with the parent’s emotions. When they see their parent in pain, they worry that they will lose that parent’s love.  Sydney’s assurances to me that the man wasn’t right “for us” and that “you have me” reflect this intense identification and fear of loss.

Adolescents, whose lives no longer revolve solely around what happens at home, may handle the breakup more easily. “The older the children, the more resources and the more of an outside life they have,” said Dr. Neil M. Kalter, the director of the Center for the Child and the Family at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor.

 

Dr. Kalther is also the author of “Growing Up With Divorce” He has found that these other involvements help them handle the stress better than younger children.

Still, some older adolescents may become extremely upset over the breakup because they are protective of their parent. This is especially likely if they are living with a parent, usually a mother, whom they think of as vulnerable and dependent on them.   These adolescents may have seen the other adult as someone who could take care of their parent, so that they could leave home to attend school or otherwise go off on their own. If the parent’s relationship ends, they feel an obligation to stay home and care for their parent.

 

There also appear to be differences in how boys and girls handle these breakups, and in how they influence future relationships.  It seems from the books I have been reading that the girls who lose their fathers early in their lives and whose fathers don’t remain involved with them may, throughout their adolescence and adulthood, view men as unreliable and untrusting.

 

Psychologists caution that although many children have strong emotional reactions when a parent ends a dating relationship, those who take it in stride don’t necessarily have hidden problems.

Some children don’t seem to be bothered by it.   If they’re doing well in other areas like school and friendships, that’s a sign that they’re probably just very emotionally resilient.”

 

WHEN DATING, GO EASY ON INVOLVING CHILDREN

1.       ONE of the simplest ways to prevent your children from becoming upset if you end a dating relationship is to have waited a while before getting those children involved. That stops them from becoming emotionally invested in an adult who, from their perspective, abandons them.

2.      Once your dating relationship is more serious and your child becomes a part of it, don’t try to do everything together as if you were a family.

3.      Spend time alone with your child while you’re dating. That provides more continuity, no matter what happens to your relationship with the other adult.  Remember it your job to protect your children and their needs.

If you do break up with the other person, here are some things to bear in mind that will help your children:

1.       Remember that your child’s fundamental needs are to feel loved and protected.   In times of crisis, a child may not be able to express those needs directly. Reassure her that you won’t be abandoning her, even though your relationship with this other person didn’t work out.

2.      Children can weather these losses when their parents give them a sense that they’ll still be cared for and loved,” said Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, the director of the Children of Divorce Intervention Program at the University of Rochester.

3.      Try not to terminate your child’s relationship with the other adult abruptly — this increases his feeling of abandonment.   It’s enormously helpful if both the parent and the person who’s leaving explain to the children that it’s not their fault.  If both adults do this, the children are less likely to feel that they are being lied to.

4.      If possible, have the other adult maintain some sort of relationship with the child that can be weaned instead of abruptly broken.  They can even do this by placing a few phone calls to the children.

  

 

 

Choosing Child Care On Your Terms September 4, 2008

With so many parents feeling the need to work and families spread out all over the country, no longer nearby to help out, the decision to put a child in daycare is often the only choice – and a daunting one at that.

Single-parent or double-income family, you want the best for your precious child. Handing her over to a family member each day is quite a different matter from giving her to a stranger, it is, therefore, so important to thoroughly investigate your options. And with childcare being so expensive, parents have to work longer to be able to pay for it thus putting an even greater burden on family life. We have a few guidelines here that might help you.

Your first decision should be, “I will not choose a daycare center in haste or under pressure!” Taking time to thoroughly investigate all the options available in your area and the pros and cons of each one with respect to your child and situation will pay great dividends in the long run. As you look at the child care alternatives of day care center, day care at someone else’s home, or a dedicated child care worker in your home, there are two other factors you should take into consideration: it may be best to consider only state licensed day care providers; and your friend or co-worker’s considered choice might not be the best one for your family.

Social Services can provide a list of reputable child care providers in your area, as can local non profit agencies, the phone book, or go online. Make appointments to visit those that sound most promising, armed with your list of questions. Nothing beats a visit and eye contact with those who will provide the care for your child.

A big indication that a daycare center is child oriented rather than profit oriented is to ask the adult staff to child ratio. This ratio should be different for each age group and the recommended ratios are as follows: 1:4 for babies; 1:6 for under 3s; 1:10 for the 3-5 age group. (Check your States laws as they can vary.) Think about the effect these ratios will have on your child’s individual need for attention and socialization. Just imagine how much chaos could result if your 3-year-old was one of 30 with only three adults in the room!

The care-giver should happily supply evidence of her background, training and experience, along with any licenses, accreditation or additional training undertaken. As well as State licensing, there are various national bodies offering accreditations indicating quality and safety measures are in place and open to inspection. Always take a note of and follow up any references offered.

The faithfulness of a parent’s love and care for a child is a big, big part of his security. If you cannot be home with him, then do not be afraid to allow him to attach himself to someone you trust. He will not love you any less for it, but will be strengthened by the secure environment you are creating for him. A secure, consistent environment is one of the biggest gifts you can give your child; therefore do not accept a care center with a high turnover of staff.

Here are a few other factors to think about: is the care giver positive, warm and understanding towards the children; will your child get individual attention and comfort when needed; can you drop in at any time; is it on the way to work or will you have to budget extra for travel costs; is it’s reputation solid – no habit of breaking rules or list of complaints against it.

The internet is a great resource to help. For example try http://www.childcareaware.org/en/ Investing time to find the right place will reap many rewards for both you and your child. It is an anxious time, but doing your homework – visiting, asking questions, reviewing the contract, taking advice – will mean the outcome has more chance of success. I pray you find the best solution for you and your child.