Thirteen and Morphine September 24, 2008

Many of us believe we don’t have the time or the energy to keep up with what our kids are up to. As parents, we feel overburdened with work and overwhelmed with the traumas that affect our daily lives. We find that we’ve lost touch with not only ourselves but with the reality of who our kids have become and what they’re thinking. As a society, it’s costing us dearly. Prisons are filling with our offspring. Youthful offenders under the age of 18 account for over 20 percent of all violent crimes committed in this country. In the last 10 years juvenile arrests for violence have increased by 75 percent.

Juvenile arrests for weapons violations increased by 103 percent. Illegal drug use by teens has increased by 150 percent and the number of juveniles admitting to having used drugs in the past month has more than doubled. These statistics affect everyone. Children fear in school violence. Parents fear their kids won’t return home at night. And the statistics are only getting worse. So what can we do about it? There’s plenty, and it starts with a little compassion, and a lot of time devoted to the most important investment of our lives: our children. 

Teaching Children Anger Management

1. Lead by example – Research shows that children model their parents so if the parent blows up in fits of rage in front of a child. The child will learn to use anger as a coping mechanism for their situations in their lives.

2. Teach empathy and tolerance – Empathy is the ability to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Children that understand the feelings of others deal better with disagreements with other children.

3. Remain calm – Yelling at angry children to control themselves will only increase the intensity of the outburst. Remaining calm yourself will assist the child caught by the anger bee.

4. Use positive self-talk – Teach children to stay in control by saying affirmations. Affirmations are simple positive messages that the child can say to themselves in stressful situations. For example, here’s a few that a child could learn: “Stop and calm down”, “Take a deep breath”, “Stay in control”, or “I can handle this”. Suggest a few to your child and practice it with them. The more you practice it with them the more likely they will use it during an anger driven situation.

5. Teach them deep breathing – During an angry episode, our breathing changes to quick short breathes. This breathing causes a cascade of physiological changes in our body that creates anger. By learning to controlled, deep breathing, children can short circuit the angry response. Teach your child to inhale to a 5 counts, then hold for a 2 counts, and exhale for a 5 counts. For young kids, I call this breathing exercise “Dragon’s breath”. Have them pretend that they are breathing out fire with the exhale and that the fire is the anger leaving the body.

6. Identify anger triggers – Most children respond to specific triggers that cause anger. Ask your child “What situations make you angry?” The answer will vary from frustrations over homework to bullying at school. Then, talk about solutions that are more appropriate to the problem situation. You can even rehearse the scenario by role-playing.

7. Watch for the warning signs – When anger starts to arise, they will show signs. Tell your child that it’s important to listen to the warning signs. Ask your child what the specific warning signs that show that they are getting upset. Some examples of signs could be talking louder, heart pounding, face getting red, clenching fists, or breathing faster. Once you identify the signs, start pointing them out when they show signs of getting upset. For example, “I see your breathing fast” “Looks like you are getting anger” “You’re clenching your fist. Are you getting upset.” This self-awareness will snap the child back into reality and help them manage the anger early – before it’s out of control.

The secret to successful anger management is to intervene early. Most children use anger because it is their only coping mechanism for daily stress. By identifying problem situations and providing them new techniques for coping, you will keep the anger bee from grabbing hold of your child.